Friday, June 26, 2015

Six Things New Parents are Shocked to Hear Themselves Say

Ever found yourself screaming for your child to get her hand out of her own poop? Then you can relate to these six crazy things that come out of parents’ mouths. Heck, you’ll say them eventually, too (if you haven’t already). It’s ok to admit it. We’re all in this together.

“You wouldn’t believe the amount of poop that just came out of this baby!”
Wow...never thought you’d say that, huh? When you have a baby, suddenly everything is about poop. Actually, it’s about what goes into your baby as well as what comes out, but you’d be surprised at how much your life revolves around human feces after you welcome your sweet little bundle of joy to the world.

“I haven’t had a shower in...I don’t, two days.”
I’d like to think that after a certain age, kids become independent enough to allow you sufficient time to maintain proper hygiene. Until then, here’s how the conversation goes:
Husband: “I know you’ve had a rough day. Come on over here and I’ll give you a back rub.”
Wife (Because, come on, we know what “back rub” really means): “Seriously? I haven’t showered today...or yesterday.”

“I think I have food poisoning.”
Ok, you’ve probably said this at least once in your lifetime, with or without kids. But if you’ve used it as an excuse to lock yourself in the bathroom and get some alone time, then you’re a parent of small children. Before having kids, you never would have dreamed of telling anyone - especially your significant other - about your tummy troubles. Now? You’re all too willing to make the issue known...or even to make up the issue.

“Don’t eat your boogers!”
While cliche, this still rings true as ever. And if you hear someone saying it, just send up a silent prayer for her. She probably has a rebellious toddler on her hands. Because, as much as you’d like to believe your child would never, ever eat a booger (gross!), it happens. Maybe it’s curiosity. Maybe it’s an act of defiance. Who knows why kids do some of the crazy, irrational things they do?

“Just swallow it!”
No, this is not of the - ahem - adult nature. But if you’ve got a picky eater in your family (otherwise known as any child between the ages of two and...??), then chances are you’ve uttered this phrase or some version of it a million times. The food is already in your mouth, kid. The more you chew it, the grosser it will be. Just swallow the dang chicken!

“Don’t step in your pee.”
Potty training? Now there’s comedy. You won’t believe the things you’ll utter while trying to teach a child the most basic human process. Stepping in pee? Yeah, that happens - to your child and to you. Even once you’ve made it through the horrendous potty-training months, there will still be accidents. And there will still occasionally be pee on the bathroom floor. It’s just a part of your life now.

Don’t fret, New Parent. We all utter these crazy things from time to time - as in, at least once a day. Welcome to the club.